How to have sex with a friend (without ruining the friendship forever)

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Intimate relationships between friends, often referred to as "friends with benefits," continue to be a topic fraught with prejudice. It's commonly thought that such a move has only two outcomes: either the friendship is ruined forever, or the two people end up entering into a "serious" romantic relationship. But according to some relationship experts, that's not necessarily true.

Sex therapist Sarah Chotkowski offers a different perspective: she believes that, under certain circumstances and with open communication, intimacy between friends can exist without ruining the friendship or necessarily creating a traditional relationship. Of course, this is not a model that works for everyone, but according to her, it is worth understanding beyond the stigma that accompanies it.

The quoted expert

Sarah Chotkowski, LICSW, is the founder of Pomegranate Institute, a private virtual sex therapy practice for individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships in Massachusetts.

Ultimately, attraction to a friend is very common, says Chotkowski.

“Close friendships involve care, love, and trust, often for years or decades. All of these are important conditions for good sex. Our friends support us in our best moments and don’t judge us (at least not too much) in our worst moments. In many ways, this is the closest form to unconditional love.”

The following steps for successful sex with friends apply to anyone who can see sex “as a natural extension of the nurturing and chemistry that already exists in the relationship,” as Chotkowski puts it. If you find yourself here, sex with a friend might be the right choice for you.

Step One: Have an honest conversation with yourself

Before you do anything drastic, sit down and talk to yourself. Some questions Chotkowski suggests:

- What do I really hope to get from this relationship?

- What am I willing to give?

- Do I have boundaries that need to be maintained to protect my heart, or am I comfortable letting things flow more freely?

She suggests writing down the answers to these questions, as a pact with yourself, so you don't back down if the other party proposes a dynamic that doesn't suit you.

Step Two: Have a candid conversation with your friend

Now comes the friend. This is the time to share everything you've been thinking, to see if he or she feels the same attraction and desire to take the relationship further. If maintaining the friendship is important to you, this conversation should be held privately and when you're both sober, says Chotkowski.

This part can be scary, but remember: this person is supposed to have a lot of affection for you.

“It takes a lot of courage to expose yourself emotionally,” she says. “There’s nothing shameful about asking for what you want, even if you don’t get the result you expect. No one ever died of shame.”

If the feelings are mutual, it's time to talk about expectations and boundaries:

- Are you sleeping or dating other people?

- What will your safe sex practices be?

- Are there things you reserve only for serious romantic relationships?

- Are there aspects of the friendship that should be temporarily suspended?

Step three: Have sex.

There's not much to explain here.

Step Four: Set Some Temporary Boundaries

After a sexual encounter with a friend, show more empathy. If the goal is to get back to friendship, perhaps avoid evening meetings or conversations about your romantic life for a while.

Step Five: Take Care of Friendship Outside of Sex

If sex works and you want to continue it, make sure to maintain non-sex-related activities. Dating for friendship and sex should be kept separate, so that the transition back to friendship is easier if it happens.

Step Six: Additional Things to Consider

Regular STI testing is non-negotiable. It's also helpful to have a neutral person you can talk to in case the situation gets complicated.

Keep in mind : life is long and relationships change. If you and your friend truly love each other, you can handle more than you think.

“Relationships don’t have to follow a single formula to be meaningful,” says Chotkowski. “Platonic friendships, romantic relationships, and even platonic relationships with a little ‘spice’ can be just as important. Don’t limit your definition of what’s valuable.”