"You're evil, you know that?"
I'm writing this "letter" more for myself than for you. I'm writing it because maybe by saying in writing that I'm going to forget you, it will manifest and become reality, and maybe in the end my heart will accept that you're not coming back.
You know I used to say "you're bad", but never in the first sense of the word. And yet, in that sense you remain bad. Bad because I can't forget you, bad because you left without a last greeting, as always, silently, unexpectedly, leaving behind the void of waiting that maybe one day you'll come back again, as always, silently...
But, you're not coming back and I have to convince myself to get out of the routine of your departures and returns. I have to convince my heart that no matter how much it waits, it won't pull that red thread that once connected us by letting you know that I'm thinking of you. I have to convince my brain that, no matter how hard it tries, it won't forget you for fear that by forgetting you even a little, it will lose you forever, you won't come back again.
You know, I've thought long and hard about our conversations, about the long nights where we said to sleep "wait a little longer, and a hug, and a kiss, and a word...". I've thought about your voice, that voice that calmed me down from all the noise of the day and the voices in my head and gave me a happiness that I don't even understand why. I've thought about your eyes, your lips, your nose, your hands... I've thought, I'll try not to think anymore.
But, I don't know why the hell, every time I'm in front of something I've talked to you about, no matter how small and insignificant it is, I remember you again. I'm not talking about your movies, your songs, or things like that that would make anyone think of you. I'm talking about standing in front of the juice section at the supermarket remembering your favorite juice. I'm talking about my smile every time I see glasses in the store windows because I remember that your little nose couldn't hold them. I'm talking about the way you said certain words, which became my favorite words. I'm talking about your two favorite flavors of ice cream, about eating cereal or toast at 1:00 a.m., about your sleeping position (and your hand)...
I don't have to talk about you anymore. In fact, it's been a year since I've passed by your "neighborhood". It's been a year since I gave up any activity that connected me to that area. Maybe I'll pass by again, and when I do, maybe I'll still think of you, but maybe it won't hurt me anymore. You won't hurt me anymore. But today, it still hurts...
I don't want to forget you, I know I never will, I just want your absence to stop weighing me down and all the love I have for you to stop weighing me down, which is killing me because I have nowhere else to take it. I don't want to forget you, I just want you to be happy, without me, always. And if we meet in another life or universe, I just hope you recognize me.
- Written for Anabel by an anonymous guy, for the “Untold Stories” column – the haven where we recount those moments when the heart wants to speak, whether about the good or the difficult, about the deepest feelings that we don't want to keep inside. If you too would like to share your story, write to us at l [email protected] .
