How I got stuck in a rotten love that is only increasing my loneliness

Photo: Dylan O'Brien and Holland Roden in "Teen Wolf"

You know that crazy love in your 20s? The kind of love that doesn't let you breathe if he's not there, the kind of love where everything you do revolves around him. The crazy love where even though deep down you know he doesn't love you with the same intensity, you say "it's okay, I love him."

That love where even when you discover countless betrayals, you still forgive. And after the ordeal of suffering, you realize that this is not love.

It happened like a key that suddenly opened and you were enlightened. Love cannot be something that makes you feel bad. Love should bring out the best in you. Love is not being afraid to be yourself because you don't know how he will react. Being afraid to speak your mind because it is never right according to him.

Instead of blooming, you start to wither. And that's when you realize that to live, you have to break away. You're lying when you think that breaking up will come immediately, no, it's a long process, more painful than being together. You break up for a while, then you meet again and forget the pain, seek pleasure, like a drug addict, seek the next dose even though you know that the next day you'll feel worse.

And in his mid-30s he makes the drastic decision, "no more."

But unfortunately at this point you are eternally bound to him, because the life you created together needs both parents. You can't put your feelings first, you are no longer first, someone else is first.

Someone who was created from that love. It's not easy to pretend you don't have feelings, when you want to hug them every time. It's not easy at all to watch them create new connections, when you're alone. You try to hate them, but you can't, you still love them.

And you are alone.

Loneliness eats away at your soul. You long for a hug. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. And strangely enough, in your worst moments, you accept the loneliness, you face the problem. But in moments of joy, loneliness suffocates you. You have no one to share your happiness with. No one celebrates with you, no one hugs you, no one is there for you. And reality hits you, you are alone and you will always be alone.

- Written for Anabel by an anonymous woman, for the  “Untold Stories”  column – the haven where we recount those moments when the heart wants to speak, whether about the good or the difficult, about the deepest feelings that we don't want to keep inside. If you too would like to share your story, write to us at  [email protected] .