Allay my fears and answer me: Have you found someone else in my place?

Photo: stqrlighttragedy/ Pinterest

A letter dedicated to someone and no one at the same time...

I haven't said thank you often and maybe I'm late, but my soul doesn't want to keep it as a worry anymore... I find it grotesque how we both live such different lives now, when once everything connected us to each other: food, coffee, dinner, breakfast, everything was ours, and why we didn't even live in the same house. Because each other's house was us.

We learned to create a common routine, almost like a couple sharing a dream bed every night. We were poems written especially for each other, penetrating the deepest corners of the heart, and unable to be torn from there.

I saw you everywhere and when it wasn't planned, I knew everything, every move, everything you had. And now, even when I pass by where you are, I don't see you, not even when I'm in front of you. I don't know anything about you anymore. Very strange, but maybe it's better that way, because maybe this soul wouldn't be able to handle it.

Today I'm writing to you about something more important, more precious. I've wanted to do it for a while and felt like I had to. So... thank you for wrapping me like a shield from my fears and for throwing me right into them in the end. For teaching me to love and for making me think that I don't know how to love anyone but you. For filling every void in me like a light that enters my soul to awaken the sleeping feelings, and then you managed to create the biggest void I've ever had.

Get out of my life as if you never existed in it. Paradoxical how one moment you are loving a person with every fiber of your being, and the next moment you seem incapable of loving someone else. How every time I see the potential to feel, I step back and walk away in 100 ways that perhaps, if I hadn't known you, I wouldn't have known existed.

How can a person turn like this? How can he be transformed? From a person who loves with such passion, with such certainty, with such soul. From a person who feels so strongly that he is capable of making any impossible possible. Who believes that any dream can be lived in reality, that any fear can disappear and that he feels invulnerable, immortal by this feeling. How can he transform into a cowardly person to accept feeling so strongly again? How can he transform into such a small person? Transform into someone incapable of allowing himself to be given to someone else with his whole being?

Will it always be like this? Scary. I would really like to know what you think, what way you have found to overcome this weak state. But I am also afraid that you will have an answer, a solution and I will understand that you have succeeded and I have not. You have managed to feel, you have managed to be alive after I left. It is better never to understand that your heart, which once somewhere beat for me, has learned to beat for someone else. Maybe one day I will learn to get through it as you could have done, but not today.

Today I want to thank you and be content with everything that hangs between me and you, like a memory that never dies. Thank you for teaching me to love and thank you for making me think that I don't know how to love anyone else but you.

- Written for Anabel by an anonymous woman, for the  “Untold Stories”  column – the haven where we recount those moments when the heart wants to speak, whether about the good or the difficult, about the deepest feelings that we don't want to keep inside. If you too would like to share your story, write to us at  [email protected] .