Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, editor-in-chief of VeryWell Mind, and host of The VeryWell Mind podcast. She is the author of the best-selling book "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" and the upcoming book "13 Things Strong Kids Do: Think Big, Feel Good, Act Brave." Her TED Talk "The Secret to Being Mentally Strong" is one of the most successful of all time.
“As a psychotherapist, one of the most common questions parents ask me is: What are the key strengths I should teach my children?” she writes in an article for HuffPost. “There are several, but the kind that will really help them become their best selves and get through life’s toughest challenges is mental strength,” she emphasizes.
Morin describes mental strength this way:
“Mental strength requires you to pay attention to three things: how you think , feel, and act . Thinking more, feeling good, and acting boldly helps us grow our mental muscles. Of course, it takes practice, patience, and constant reinforcement to get to a point where you do these things naturally.”
According to her, there are 7 things parents should help their children with:
1. To empower themselves
If your child says, "My friend got a higher grade on the test, I feel bad," they're essentially giving someone else power over their emotions. But children who feel powerful don't depend on other people to make them feel good. They choose, for example, to be in a good mood even when someone else is having a bad day or trying to make them angry.
Work with your child to create some phrases they can repeat to themselves. Use words that show that they are responsible for how they think, feel, and behave - regardless of how the people around them are behaving. This will help drown out the negative voices in their heads that try to convince them that they don't have the potential to succeed.
2. Adapt to change
Change is hard. A child may miss the way things used to be or worry that what's happening might make their life worse. But mentally strong children understand that change can help them grow and become stronger people, even though it may not seem that way at first.
When children are faced with a big change, have them talk in detail about how they are feeling. Most importantly, help them find – and define – the right words to describe the feeling (e.g., sad, happy, frustrated, nervous).
3. Know when to say "no"
Children often struggle to say no because they may feel embarrassed or embarrassed. By finding the courage to do it more often, they will find that it becomes easier over time. This reduces the stress of having to commit to things they don't want to do.
4. Own up to mistakes
Children are often tempted to hide mistakes because they don't want to get in trouble; perhaps they forgot to do their homework or accidentally broke an expensive vase. Owning up to mistakes helps them build character.
Children who are brave enough to practice this recognize what they did wrong and prepare themselves mentally to fully admit what they did. They also apologize and find ways to not make the same mistake again.
If your child is disorganized, they may have a hard time remembering all their homework. Or if their room is cluttered with food, they may not be able to resist eating candy. When your child makes a mistake, remind them that they can change their environment in a way that will prevent them from making the same mistake twice.
5. Be happy for other people's successes
It's normal for children to be jealous when their friends get a new toy, for example. But feeling negative about other people only hurts them, not the other person. Encourage your child to be happy for others. Mentally strong children are supportive of their peers and focus on doing their best, without worrying about others.
6. To fail...and try again
Failure hurts - it can make you feel embarrassed and disappointed. But the most successful people achieved their goals by failing along the way.
Don't forget successful people who failed: Experts have found that children actually perform better when they learn that many success stories began with failures.
The next time your child is feeling down because they think they've failed at something, show them that many successful people have failed, like Thomas Edison. Edison helped invent the light bulb, among many other great things. But he also had more than 1,000 inventions that didn't work.
7. To continue
Mentally strong children who persevere will keep working hard even when they don't feel like it. Often, they succeed and discover that they are stronger than they first thought. Have your child write a letter - filled with words of kindness and encouragement - to themselves. It can be a long note, or a short, simple note. Whenever they feel tempted to give up, tell them to go back to that letter. This will motivate them to keep going and persevere.
