The holidays may be the most wonderful time of the year, but if you're around a narcissistic family member, it can feel anything but wonderful.
Narcissists try to fill their inner emptiness by drawing attention to themselves. Moreover, they seek to elevate their status by making others feel inferior through belittling and blaming.
By "narcissist," we mean individuals who meet diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or who exhibit multiple narcissistic personality traits.
Below are nine helpful strategies for dealing with narcissists at family holiday gatherings.
1. Cultivate healthy boundaries
In their quest to satisfy their own needs, narcissists exceed the healthy boundaries of others, often several times a day. Their attacks can be swift.
If your normal circle of friends and acquaintances does not include people who regularly violate your boundaries, you may be blindsided by a narcissistic family member's inappropriate questions, comments, or demands. It can help to need a number of "emergency exits", such as saying you have to make a phone call, run an errand, or use the bathroom.
2. Override the bully/victim dynamic
San Francisco psychiatrist Stephen Karpman observed a common dynamic in unhealthy family and group interactions, which he called the 'Karpman triangle' in 1968. His concept is a useful lens for distinguishing family dynamics with narcissists. .
The triangle has a persecutor, victim and rescuer. The narcissist assumes the role of the persecutor by blaming, controlling and shaming others.
One or more people become victims, feeling helpless, hopeless, powerless, and ashamed in the face of the narcissist's punitive actions.
Others become saviors - enablers who get rewards from trying to solve the problem, but do so in ways that enable the narcissist to continue to persecute by keeping the victim stuck in that role.
If you see such a dynamic arising in your family interactions, back off. Admit that persecution is wrong and unhealthy. If you are, speak up. As schools teach about bullying, "When you see something, speak up."
If you begin to feel like a victim, break free by realizing that although you may feel vulnerable, you are not. No one has the right to humiliate or abuse you.
Finally, if you feel drawn to a "savior" role or observe another family member taking on that role, realize that empathy and caring are helpful, but rescuing and fixing others is not sustainable or empowering.
3. Be aware
Adapt to yourself. If you feel helpless, stuck, or in the role of a child, sit with those feelings, communicate them to a trusted person, or write in a journal.
Doing so will help you regain your adult stature, which can open the door to a wider range of healthier coping behaviors. You are not a child anymore.
4. Keep realistic expectations
Do you expect your narcissistic parent, sibling or in-law to behave well this year? This can be a setup for disappointment.
Narcissists tend to make family holiday celebrations about themselves and may try to ruin everyone's time if they are not the center of attention.
In the absence of any compelling reason to think otherwise, you should probably expect more of the same drama from a narcissistic family member as you've experienced in the past. Knowing this, you can plan how to respond to provocations.
5. Keep a sense of humor
Adopting a humorous perspective can isolate you and/or help you rise above family dysfunction.
There are many resources to help. Given the exploding interest in narcissism, there is an online help industry. You can use these to prepare for, cope with or recover from a holiday visit, either with a trusted friend or on your own.
6. Find ways to disconnect when necessary
Although narcissists expect others to perform in command for the narcissist's benefit, you have no such obligation. You are free to come and go, to speak or not to speak.
Your appearance at a family party is a gift to others. If others treat it as an obligation or as if they are doing you a favor, remember that you never agreed to this treatment.
7. Focus on who you want to be
You cannot control the behavior or feelings of others. The arena in which you have the most control is your behavior. You are not a passive or helpless recipient of a narcissist's actions. You have much more influence over your own experience than a narcissist.
Ask yourself: "Who do I want to be in this moment?" or "What are my values ??here?" With such guidance from your best self, you are likely to choose healthier behaviors and perspectives.
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