The news that the Princess of Wales, Kate Middleton, has been diagnosed with cancer at the age of 42 came as a shock to the world, but imagine how shocking it must be for her family and three young children. Kate said she explained it to George, 10, Louis, 5, and Charlotte, 8, in a "way that's convenient for them and to reassure them that things are going to be okay."
Based on this, experts have given their opinions on how you can tell children that you or a family member is/has been affected by cancer. Kathleen Ingman, a child psychologist at Children's Hospital Los Angeles, has some advice.
"Not keeping them informed, even though they may be young, can affect stressful situations and give children the idea that something bad is happening, but this is being kept a secret from them," said Ingman.
Even Lauren Schneider, director of a bereavement program at the "Our House" center, indicated that it is important to talk to children about such serious topics, to get their understanding, as well as to gave them hope. Both specialists encourage people to tell their children about the changes that will happen at home, with people's appearance and with their medications.
"The lack of information makes children afraid and in their imagination, they can go to places and thoughts, which can be much more negative than the real situation."
How to start a conversation with children?
First of all, you should keep in mind that talking about a serious illness with children is a unique experience and depends on the age, sensitivity, condition of the sick person and the character of the child.
Start the conversation with a moment where the child was present. "Do you remember when (x situation) happened?"/ "Do you remember when I wasn't feeling well?". The child, of course, remembers it and may feel happy that he is being included in a conversation where a difficult moment for him is being clarified. This will give more peace of mind that things do not happen through the child's fault.
"Young children are very self-centered. They often experience multiple emotions and think that everything around them has something to do with them," says Ingman.
Parents should understand that talking to the child may involve some confusion and tears at first, but the child will let the parents know when they are ready to receive more information.
Experts say that children may ask spontaneously at that moment or later in the day, and that means they are ready for more details. Young children have the tendency to ask the same question several times and through this, they ask adults who want to understand the situation better and there is a fixed moment when parents can tell more.
"This assures the children that their parents are telling them the truth and, in fact, they are people who support them", says Ingman, adding that when adults inform the children, they make the relationship even stronger.
If a child does not ask questions, it is advisable for the parent or guardian to bring another adult that the child trusts and can talk to about the situation that is troubling them.
During the conversation, it is recommended to be open, to tell the child what is really happening and how all this will affect the family members. Part of the honesty can also be related to the chemotherapy and treatments that you/the other person is undergoing. Ingman says that the terms "cancer", "disease" and "chemotherapy" are scary for adults, but children still do not understand their seriousness.
Avoid sentences like: "Mom/dad is sick", as it confuses the child and makes him think that maybe there won't be a happy ending. If the child has had contact with the loss of a family member due to cancer, this will increase his anxiety and make him think that being sick means dying. You can treat the sentence: "Mom/Dad is sick" with a more positive approach, telling him that he is receiving treatment to be cured. In cases where the child understands the disease and is older, you should explain that each type of cancer is different and the cure depends on many factors.
Pay attention to the child's feelings and reactions. The conversation may be accompanied by tears and sobs or an emotional numbness. There is no exact formula for how a child will react. Allow space for children to ask questions and show them that the new reality can change their routine.
If another family member is going to pick him up from school, spend more time with him, or in case he has to see you in the hospital, make it clear so that he is not negatively surprised later.
Involve your child in age-appropriate situations and conversations, as he or she can give you a hand, a hug, and love. Give the child small tasks, such as writing a message on a pad that he can pass on to a relative, bringing you water, something to eat, etc., as it helps him feel more useful in this journey.
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