Message received in #Unsent with the signature: "Dad..."
Dear Dad,
I don't know where to start with this letter. I've kept it inside for a long time. When I was younger I didn't know how to give shape to what I was feeling. Today I know more. And that doesn't make it any easier.
You were there physically for the first half of my life, but emotionally I never felt you. I don't remember feeling held, seen, important. Maybe you didn't know how either. Maybe you didn't know what it was like to be a father. I don't blame you, but your absence has left a mark.
When I was a child, something inside me was always in turmoil. My stomach clenched, my body trembled, my heart pounded for no reason. I didn't know what emotions were. Today I do. It was a pain that had nowhere to go.
Without realizing it, I grew up getting used to the absence. And later, in every man who approached, I looked for the same thing. Not love. Not security. But distance. A presence that disappeared. Silence. I knew this. This seemed normal to me.
When someone left, I didn't ask why they left. I asked what was wrong with me. I felt guilty. As if I hadn't been enough. As if the other person's absence was proof that I wasn't worth enough.
Today I'm trying to change. I'm trying to take control of my love, even though it sometimes seems impossible. Even though I'm afraid. Even though I'm tired of running into the same emptiness.
Today I am learning to distinguish between lack and love. I am learning that what hurts me is not what fulfills me. I am learning not to confuse habit with love.
I feel a lot. Sometimes so much that it hurts to breathe. I have a big heart and for that reason I have been hurt often. Because I put my heart before reason and myself after everyone else.
And yes, this is about you. Because you were the first man in my life. The first who wasn't there for me when I needed him. And I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about the words that weren't said, the presence that wasn't there, the security that wasn't there.
It didn't work out between you and your mom. But the consequences of that absence were felt by both me and my sister. However, I am your blood. And I will always love you. Even with pain. Even with emptiness. Because you are my dad and I am your daughter.
Our relationship has changed over the years. Maybe you have too. I hope so. Because a child doesn't need perfect parents. They need parents who are present. Even from afar. Even late.
Today I am choosing to be close to myself, even where you were not.
#Unsent is a section on Anabel where you can freely express the things you want to say to someone, but for 1001 reasons, you don't have the courage/opportunity to say them face to face. #Unsent is the place where you can write/find the name and message dedicated to you.
