Some arguments why yes, marriages can break up even for 'a slap'

Photo: Brikena Selmani/ Instagram

During a discussion on "Big Brother VIP Albania 5", Brikena, who has long been a self-proclaimed honorary ambassador there, said that she would not break up a marriage over a slap, especially if there are children involved, citing as an example an Italian friend who had ended the relationship after an act of violence.

"An Albanian girl, even if love ends, stands up for the respect of her children. She faces everything, even if there is an argument. An Italian friend of mine left her boyfriend after seven years because he slapped her. I personally disagree.

"Being with one person for seven years, having a child and breaking up over a slap, I wouldn't have broken up my marriage over a slap. I'm not saying violence, because I wasn't born with a father to beat me. But you have to think about the child, about the child's trauma, can this be fixed or not. I personally suffered myself, what is the child's fault," was her full statement.

Fortunately, commentators did not hesitate to address the ignorance and backwardness of this statement, massively criticizing it:

However, if there is anyone who heard this statement by Brikena, agreed with it, changed their mind because of it, or simply ignored it, let's dwell on some concrete arguments why, in fact, such words belong to a problematic mindset.

To begin with, the first problem is the division of violence into “acceptable” and “unacceptable”. A single slap is no less violence than “beating” as Brikena says, referring to constant violence by a partner in the family. A slap is physical violence, no matter how “isolated” an incident it may seem at the moment. And when it is normalized as something that is not worth breaking up a marriage for, it paves the way for other justifications: today one slap, tomorrow two, and so on.

Then, the idea that children gain anything from a parent who tolerates violence is an old myth and sounds ridiculous when you read it in black and white. Children do not need a marriage of two people at all costs any more than they need a safe family environment. Growing up in a home where violence is relativized is no less traumatic than a divorce, and, as children who have been raised in such a way themselves show, it is often worse, because the model transmitted to them is that violating boundaries is something to be tolerated. 

Brikena's statement creates another problem that we often encounter in everyday life and on television, apparently: the romanticization of suffering as an Albanian virtue. The idea that the "Albanian woman" is "stronger" because she endures more (slap) is not a compliment, but is simply a way to justify unfair and inhumane expectations towards her. Leaving a violent relationship is not a lack of responsibility, but setting boundaries, and if the "Albanian woman" is so masochistic, we are sorry Brikena, but she is still not an example to follow.

The idea is not to publicly judge Brikena, as long as this statement is not coming from the mouth of a professional such as a psychologist or sociologist of family relations, however, when such statements are made in a format with a wide audience, they do not remain simply personal opinions. A young teenager, whose information is limited by the Instagram or TikTok algorithm, hears such statements served as click bait and "eats the soap for cheese". And in the worst case, this does not only happen to teenagers. Thus, there is a risk of reinforcing beliefs that Albanian society needs to try to leave behind, beliefs that violence "depends on the case", that the family must be preserved at all costs for the sake of being a family and that patience is always a noble choice.