It's Friday and you're in your new therapist's office. It's been two weeks since you ended a 10-year relationship, but when he asks how you're doing, your answer is, "Very well." And how could you not be? You've ordered three books on coping with the pain. In short, you're dealing with the breakup perfectly, and you hope your therapist notices it.
If this scenario sounds familiar, then “doing” may be your primary coping mechanism. When things get tough, you glance at your to-do list and jump into action. Essentially, this can help you feel in control, but at the same time, it can lead to burnout and difficulty relaxing. Here’s what you need to know about this tendency and how you can find a healthier balance.
Why do we “do” to cope with situations?
The answer is simple: because it makes us feel better. Unstoppable action gives us a sense of control and efficacy, and sometimes helps us avoid difficult feelings. This mechanism may be a learned response, but its roots are also biological. In difficult situations, our body activates the “fight or flight” survival mechanisms that originally served to protect us from danger.
But when used excessively, this constant behavior can wear us down physically and emotionally.
The consequences of this trend
Being a doer isn't a bad thing, as long as you use it in moderation. When you overdo it, your body goes out of its natural state of balance. This can cause fatigue and make it easier for you to seek "escape" in unhealthy ways, such as excessive use of social media, fast food, or alcohol consumption. In the long run, these strategies don't help you recover, and raw emotions can surface at inopportune times.
How to balance this trend?
If you're a "doer" to cope, it's important to learn to stop. This can seem scary because being quiet can feel uncomfortable and make you feel vulnerable. But, with a few small steps, you can create a healthier balance.
1. Leave space for your thoughts
When you’re busy, you don’t give your mind time to process emotions. Try light activities that allow you to “navigate” your thoughts, like organizing a closet or painting your nails. Do most of this activity without listening to music, TV, or podcasts. Notice any thoughts or feelings that come up and don’t try to resolve them right away.
2. Work directly with your emotions
Often emotions like anger or sadness can be felt clearly, but sometimes they manifest through fatigue or tension in the body. Confront these feelings by asking questions like, “What’s bothering me?” or using movement, like a boxing session, to release negative energy.
3. Learn to say “no”
Finding balance requires leaving space between tasks. Start by reducing your workload by 10% and choosing the easiest tasks to turn down. For example, you could say “No” to a small project and start practicing setting boundaries.
By learning to take care of yourself throughout this process, you will not only feel better, but you will get more done with less effort.
Suggested articles:
