If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that there's no shortage of marriage and cohabitation advice online. From wedding planning, Pinterest-inspired decor, to romantic date ideas, there always seems to be someone with something to say. Relationship experts like Gottman, Chapman and others have a lot to teach us. Here are 10 things you should never say to your spouse:
1. "I'm fine."
If there's one phrase that can negatively affect a relationship, it's this. This short expression leaves the other person with several things to imply:
- I can't trust you enough to be honest.
- You won't understand how I feel.
- You should already know what I think and it's not worth explaining.
2. "It doesn't matter."
The cycle of "nagging wife/husband and ignoring husband/wife" may not be the biggest threat to a relationship. Marital satisfaction is low in couples where the wife/husband is cold and silent—even more so than in those where problems are resolved passionately but then return to routine. A cold attitude is perhaps the most dangerous form of avoidance.
3. "Forget it, I'll do it myself."
This mindset implies that your spouse is disabled. When over-controlling becomes habitual, the partner will not be willing to offer help in the future.
4. "Calm down."
You don't have to feel this way. I can't handle your emotions. This conversation will happen on my terms. These are the messages we send when we tell our spouse to "calm down." For those who avoid conflict, anger seems scary. We want to stop it, but healthy fight management requires recognizing every emotion. We need to listen to our partner's honest thoughts without forcing them to speak through our comfort filters.
5. "Why are you doing that?"
Nobody likes a "chronic" manager. These questions are often addressed to children, but no man/woman wants to feel like a child in the eyes of his/her wife. There are better ways to help. "Do you need any help?" is a much better option.
6. "You're just like..."
This comment suggests to your spouse that his/her entire family comes from "bad origins." It is an identity label. "You will never change. You can't help yourself. I don't like (your dad) and I don't like you right now." There is no worse punishment than throwing the "sins" of a relative in the face of the spouse. We may not always agree with his/her decisions, but choices can change. His/her identity does not.
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