One of the most common sexual complaints that couples report is lack of desire on the part of the wife. There is a diagnosis for this - Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder or HSDD - and pharmaceutical companies have worked hard to develop pharmacological treatments. However, according to many experts, physiological factors may be only part of the problem. For many couples, the expression "irreconcilable desire" and often, the partner with the lowest sexual desire is also the husband.
Differences between men and women
Because of cultural expectations, it is much easier for a woman to accept a lack of sexual desire than a man. But in our highly sexualized culture, low desire is a problem for both men and women, regardless of the status of their relationship.
In some cases, low desire masks another underlying physical problem. For women, it could be painful intercourse or pelvic muscle spasm, or a hormonal imbalance produced by an oral contraceptive or some other pharmaceutical agent. For men, it could also be a hormonal imbalance, or it could be a way to avoid treating erectile dysfunction. For both, there are psychological issues behind the lack of desire, ranging from a history of sexual abuse to inadequate or harmful education for sexuality. Before deciding what kind of help is needed, it is important to accurately identify the source of the difficulty.
Disorder or differences?
However, sometimes there is no disorder or dysfunction in itself. Sometimes there is only one difference. In these two pairs, which partner would you label HSDD? One couple says one is not interested in having sex, and the other would like to have sex every week or two. Another couple may say that one wants to have sex every day, and the other wants to have sex only a few times a week. In the experiences of sexologists, it is often pointed out that very few couples match exactly equally in sexual desire. Therefore, almost every couple has to face some level of incompatible desires. It is part of the negotiating relationship.
When individuals enter into new relational commitments, they usually negotiate many aspects in how they will relate their lives. They decide where to live, on what budget they will work, who cooks, what food, do they have children and if so, how much, where they will spend the holidays, what kind of family traditions they will create, etc. But sex will just happen. There is often an assumption that there is nothing to negotiate.
We are familiar with the phrase "relationships require work", and we should know that sex also requires work. Mismatch is common because after all, you are two different individuals. This is where open communication comes into play, a consultation with the therapist and the desire you have to make the connection work!
Burimi: Psychology Today
