When I was a kid, I always dreamed of a recurring dream. In fact it was the worst nightmare. It seemed to me that my two brothers and I were little pigs running scared through the woods near the house. You were a dinosaur chasing us as we ran to the island across the lake, where our mother (our mother) was guarding us.
But in reality I remember being a tyrant throughout my childhood. Moments at home were filled with fear. One day I remember hitting me so hard that for years after school, I sat on the shower table and cried. Nor was the school a place where I could find peace. Uncertainty and timidity made me just prey to mockery from friends.
I don't blame you, but I want you to understand how your actions have affected me. Those years I spent hiding in the room listening to cries and screams. I always wondered why I was so angry inside, why I was so desperate for approval and appreciation. Why, when I am ignored, I feel anger, hatred ... Now I understand that everything has happened to me thanks to you.
Maybe because my life wasn't what I expected. Perhaps if I were happier this letter would not have been written now. But I'm sure I know the root of my problems: growing up with fear!
You scoffed at me for seeking my mother's love and care. You saw me as weak. Your mom died when you were 5 years old and no, you don't know how you could have felt or how hard you had it.
What you know for sure is that you have never accepted and faced reality. You didn't even ask for help.
Your deep feelings of loss and pain surfaced in the evenings, at family dinners, and instead of realizing that the cause was trauma, blame yourself. Hate yourself and plant only anger.
Now I'm no longer that scared little piggy. It is true that I even felt that hatred inside me, but I regret it so much! At the very least, I am working to know who to attribute to who I am today, who my fault is, and how the actions I take affect the people I love.
You never did that and you will never do it. Now I see you are that dinosaur praying for the love they received many years ago. I just wish you had the courage to accept it and allow yourself to be happy.
This letter is adapted from The Guardian
