I don't think you ever wanted to have children. But they were important to my mom and you loved her very much.
Parents adopting children in the 1960s did not receive advice on how to raise young children. It was considered sufficient that the couple were married and respected each other. So when a just-6-week-old baby, and most of all, healthfully appeared in your home, sure you've got some friends. The opposite happened to my mom. The situation got worse over time.
I was lively and louder and you quieter and more analytical. I was warned not to bother.
When I was 6, my mum told me that her biological mother was unable to support me. I was secretly terrified at the thought that it was only a matter of time before the new parents would feel the same way and leave me ... I became even bolder, demanding at all costs to keep my place.
When I was growing up, my mother told me that it was her fault that you didn't have your own children because she was suffering from early menopause. 40 years later, I discovered the whole truth! Indeed it was you who could not have children! Were you the one who asked my mother to take the "blame" just to preserve the man's pride or was she self-aware knowing how quickly your ego was affected ?!
Now I'm thinking how many times you are angry in secret with me! I was the one to remind you every moment what you couldn't do! One thing is sure. Your ego caused the distance between us. You didn't just want a girl to look like you; you wanted a girl to admire your academic person, a gentle child who was easy to process and obey. You needed approval, you wanted everyone to be right.
In one of our arguments, you pushed me against the wall and said, "You are the reason why you and your mother are arguing!"
Now I realize that we are both dragged out to get the same thing: To admire what we were and what we had achieved. I've always wanted to be loved. Maybe you too.
On your deathbed, I told you I love you. "How good!" He replied, and it seemed to disappoint one another to the end ...
