I'm writing because for me this is the reason...
I know, we have it all within us – the strength, the will, the patience, everything that is preached when someone speaks beautifully. And, yes, we do it ourselves.
But I can never deny that for me, everything started with him, a boy younger than me, with a different worldview than what I was used to. Smart, capable, emotionally intelligent, caring, sweet, passionate, he lacked nothing.
I'm writing from my work computer, as a woman with a good job, a respected social circle, healthy, talented, and I'm almost ready to say out loud that I'm fulfilled.
More than a year ago, on my 36th birthday, I met A. He knew what to say, when to say it, and why he was saying every word. He told me he had gotten out of a relationship and was trying to get to know someone. He was looking for a "detox." And he was present, as long as he was, he was present.
But I wish I had known then, what I know about myself today...
I was in one of the most transformative periods of my life. I had just started a part-time job, partially dependent on my family, mentally and physically exhausted. And above all, repressed. No self-esteem, no self-care, no dreams. Exhausted... Not a drop of emotion was left in my veins.
Him?
He knew how to ask the right questions, right from the start. He complimented me on details that I hadn't even noticed about myself. I didn't even know them. I didn't even consider them. 3-4 weeks passed with long phone conversations and messages, without any weight at the moment. I was cold, distant, numb. Everything seemed like theater to me.
I'll never forget when, after a futile tantrum of mine, he said to me, "What can I do to fix this?" I was left speechless. What the hell?! Did you come out of a book or something?!
After a few weeks we broke up. I think he didn't find the physical attraction to me. Maybe his past came back, like he told me. Maybe the age difference. Or just maybe-maybe I had neglected myself, I was neither inspiration nor detox. :D
I understand this today, when I look at myself in the mirror.
After the breakup, it hit me. I missed it, the energy changed. And there I didn't just turn a page, but a whole book. Now I'm a completely different person. In every aspect: physically, style, way of thinking, worldview. And for the first time, free. 100%, free from myself and from everything else.
I searched for him, persistently, for several months. I regretted that I had not lived that period more consciously. I searched for him, until he told me at one point "you are a little toxic. :D"
But I wasn't toxic… I was simply determined to show myself that my instincts were never wrong. That he was who I thought he was. He taught me to listen. He, without knowing it, taught me a lot about myself. And I was right: there is no one like him.
Now I'm withdrawn. I'm clear. And I walk with new steps. But, he remains there. Like a small tattoo that reminds me of my rebirth. Just because he is one of the most important figures on whom I have rebuilt myself – even though he doesn't know it, nor did he intend to.
I thought I'd show him the depth of my gratitude. Today, with this letter. A few months ago, with a special gesture.
In recent conversations, I told him, "I'm a woman, how can you not care about my feelings?" I told him, "You've upset me, you've left me without an answer, I'm a girl."
He told me:
"Yeah, yeah... no flowers for men."
That's where it hit me, men have their soft side. They have feelings. They get touched...
Months ago, I decided to give it a touch. Maybe a half-smile. I ordered a wristwatch online – because it gave my time a new meaning. I chose the color. I chose the name of the watch. I also chose the card, very carefully, every detail had a meaning.
After I got the watch, I went to a flower shop. I put roses and the watch in a box. When the saleswoman called him about the delivery, I heard his voice on speaker. My heart was touched. A courier delivered an unnamed package a few days later. With a warm message. With a gesture without purpose or expectation.
He changed my life. And I will be eternally grateful. Now I love what I see in the mirror. And everything I'm building with my life.
A., you are so kind, with a purity that you cannot imagine. Your face is one of the dearest to me.
I'm not toxic. Maybe I showed up without gloves, direct, a little too boldly than I should have and didn't leave the right taste... I just didn't know how to give you back that strength and love that grew inside me for life, thanks to you.
Thank you for being who you are. You have "perpetual permission" to write to me, to knock on my door, if you ever need a friend. Or someone. I will be...
- Written for Anabel by an anonymous woman, for the “Untold Stories” column – the haven where we recount those moments when the heart wants to speak, whether about the good or the difficult, about the deepest feelings that we don't want to keep inside. If you too would like to share your story, write to us at [email protected] .
