You've broken up, moved on with your life, talked to friends, managed to forget or at least put your story behind you, but suddenly, something disrupts the peace: hidden stings on social media, secrets or lies that come out to mutual friends about you being a terrible person, two missed calls (with/without private), messages on Instagram, etc. Despite wanting to continue the journey towards healing, you find yourself living for free in his/her head.
"Certain types of relationships can affect how a breakup is experienced," says Jo Coker, psychologist and director of therapy and training at the College of Relationship and Sexuality Therapists (COSRT).
"For those with insecure attachment typologies, separation can be particularly difficult and they may face difficulties adjusting, become 'clinging' and unwilling to let go."
Others may react angrily to protect their pride.
"When people are hurt, they often project their pain and anger onto the perceived cause of the pain and try to make others feel their pain and suffer for what they have caused," says psychology.
Some scenarios when a "ghost" from the past haunts you:
Contacts you
"An ex who contacts you without your consent, physically or through online messages, can make you feel very uncomfortable, so it's important that the breakup is clear and the reason is not softened, so as not to hurt the other person," says psychology.
This can also sabotage future relationships.
"An ex who doesn't move on can make a new partner feel like there's something unfinished," says Coker, adding that this can prevent the new relationship from developing.
It is important to understand that if behavior moves from "annoying" to "harassing," it should be treated as such.
An ex who talks badly about you to mutual friends
Couples often meet through friends, which is positive at first, but can cause tension when the relationship ends.
"People get hurt and maybe still love the person they broke up with. Often, they project this pain by seeking validation from others, to prove that they are the victim."
The best reaction is not to react at all!
"I wouldn't get involved, because getting involved only fuels this situation," she says, adding that you can also ask your friends not to forward comments to you.
An ex who writes to you 'as a friend', but often overdoes it
“Can you be friends with an ex? Yes—if you both respect that the relationship is over and don’t cross boundaries,” says Coker.
“But you can’t be friends with someone who overdoes it when they’re drunk,” she says. “[You have to be] very clear about what kind of communication you’re going to allow.”
Psychology also suggests looking at yourself: Are you playing the wrong role in this situation by being too close to the other person?
An ex who still loves you, and friends mention him often, even when you have a new partner
This is certainly annoying. But Coker suggests thinking about your friends' intentions: "Maybe they're upset about the breakup and want to preserve your relationship and be okay with your ex?" However, if this behavior continues, you need to speak up. "Otherwise, it's very disrespectful to you, your friends, and the new people you'll meet," says the expert.
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