When acts or neglect hurts someone, aggravates their emotional state, or disrupts their job, most of us apologize. It is the best way to repair the relationship after a difficult situation and relieve the guilt we feel. However, in the same situations, some people do their best not to apologize. But why?
In these people, forgiveness carries more weight than usual after waking up to old fears that they must avoid.
1. Those who never seek forgiveness have difficulty separating actions from personality. If they have done something bad, then they are bad people; if they have neglected someone, they are selfish and careless; if they were wrong, they are ignorant. By not apologizing, they avoid these labels and do not reflect on the real problem that is shaky identity and self-esteem.
2. Those who do not apologize do not feel guilty but ashamed. Guilt makes us feel bad for the way we behave, shame makes us feel bad for the way we are. Shame is therefore a more toxic emotion than guilt.
3. Those who do not apologize think that a "pardon me" will open the door to accusations and other conflicts. They believe that if they plead guilty to something, they will be hit in the face with all the mistakes of the past for which they have shown no remorse.
4. Those who do not apologize fear that saying "forgive" takes all the responsibility and relieves the other party of guilt. Although it is known that in any conflict, there is never just one culprit.
5. Some people never apologize because they know how to manage the emotions they feel. They feel good with anger, frustration, and emotional distancing, but not with intimacy and vulnerability. They feel that if they are somewhat relieved, they will no longer have a way to protect themselves from injury and, as a result, will be overwhelmed by sadness and despair.
Adapted from Psychology Today