Some questions have been normalized by society to the point that they come up naturally, generally without any malicious intent, during an ordinary conversation, but that doesn't mean they should be asked.
At one point in "Ferma VIP", Soni Malaj addresses Elvis Pupa with the question:
"Can I ask you, why don't you have children?"
This is one of those questions that sounds like curiosity. But at its core, it's a question that immediately enters very personal territory.
Elvis replies: "We don't have...we can't find it at the moment." (laughs embarrassed)
This is probably a way to avoid bringing up the topic, to keep the conversation on the surface.
He adds: "We've tried, we're okay....but when it's written, if he gives it up, we welcome it. But you can't be, as you say, regretful...not regretful, but when it's something you don't have, you don't have it."
Then the conversation takes another turn. He admits that it's something that's been tried and that it didn't come naturally. A sentence that in itself carries more weight than it seems. At this point, the conversation should usually stop. But it doesn't. Sonny continues.
Soni: “Well, that's why you haven't tried it.”
Elvis: “Well, but you can't be angry with...”
Soni: “It's not about being angry. I'm convinced that you followed it as a matter of course.”
Elvis: “I followed it naturally.”
Soni: “Eee, but no...”
From a "why" we move to "eh, but no..." It is an important shift, because information is no longer being sought, but an interpretation of the other person's life is being given.
Elvis tries to set a limit, very carefully: "Not outside of nature, because I believe that if it's a risk, it will come."
Sonny continues: "Okay, you can try it another way."
It gives a hint about a very personal decision. Elvis closes with: “I like things to be what they are written or calculated for me.”
A very clear, yet calm, way of saying: this is my choice.
This conversation is problematic not only because of the initial question, but also because of the way it continued. “Why don’t you have children?” is not a question of curiosity, but demands an explanation for a very intimate part of life, sets an expectation (that you should have children), and often puts the other person in an awkward position.
The purpose of this article is not to question Soni. There is no doubt that Soni had no malicious intent. She articulated something that happens every day, in families, in society, in ordinary conversations. Therefore, for this very reason, it is worth pausing. Because some questions have become so normalized that people have forgotten to ask themselves whether they are appropriate to ask.
