The year we are leaving behind was the most difficult of my life...
I had to be the protagonist of a black and white film: it was exactly like this; white like my two children, my little lights that illuminate me even in the darkest moments, then a vast empty space of confused feelings, indignation and sadness mixed; without color… and then only silent cries of my soul that I had to overcome along with the tears that I didn't dare to shed from my eyes, a scream that suffocated me from within and stuck right there in my chest, hidden behind black smiles.
Perhaps at some point in my life I have sought and fought to be the protagonist, but I never thought that I would be the protagonist of a black and white film, which the script of life slapped in my face and left me with no choice but to metabolize it within myself, that I must embrace this role and live it.
It took me 31 years of life to realize how pointless sometimes are the truly worthless things I've given importance to, and what's truly valuable I've probably taken for granted or underestimated. I realized how long even a second can seem; how that one second can change your life... forever!
I realized how powerless I am before the universe, precisely when I discovered in myself a strength that I didn't know I had cultivated within me over the years, perhaps to show it precisely now that I need to be strong more, to learn to survive in this arduous struggle between life and death, based on an endless stopwatch.
And so, amidst this black and white mess of this year, I learned to walk both on thorns and on embers, holding my head high, searching for the light of hope hidden behind the clouds that covered my sky. I managed to stop the rain for just one long-dreamed-of day and live my fairy tale of love, to crown the most sublime feeling, to celebrate not only love, but the deep meaning it carries, for unity, for family, for eternity… I did it! I managed to write white on black, snatching from life as a trophy the fact that you were present there that night, as a memory that will remain engraved forever, perhaps even when tomorrow empties the rain of clouds from this gloomy sky.
Maybe I won't be strong enough to open the tent and come out of the storm unscathed, but at least I'll have that memory there that not even this torrential rain can erase, because it will remain within me as the only victory of all this year's losses, as the unbroken thread that keeps me connected to eternity...
(written on a rainy night, taking stock of a year during which my father was diagnosed with stage IV malignant tumor and is still fighting it, although unfortunately the real chances of survival are such that only a miracle would make him win this battle.)
- Written for Anabel by an anonymous woman, for the “Untold Stories” column – the haven where we recount those moments when the heart wants to speak, whether about the good or the difficult, about the deepest feelings that we don't want to keep inside. If you too would like to share your story, write to us at [email protected] .
