A very loving couple, a caring and devoted husband, in every way, an exemplary husband. After twenty years of marriage, we suddenly learn that they are getting divorced. Shock. No one expected it. Gradually, word begins to circulate: he had been having an extramarital affair. With the wife of his childhood friend. He fell in love with her from the first moment he saw her. After a few years, they reunited and, ever since she became pregnant, they had been living a double life. They broke up with their spouses at the same time, so that he could move in and live with her and her children. Shocking, but that's nothing. Six months later, he meets an old classmate and decides that she is "the love of his life." The marriage, for which he had turned his world upside down, is destroyed.
I don't know what happened next, and maybe it's better that I don't, because I'm afraid the truth would be even more painful. The reality is that every story of forbidden passion is always followed by the risk of a bad ending. Even if the person you're holding in your arms is the most wonderful person in the world, you'll always be haunted by the thought that one day you might find yourself in his wife's shoes, listening to him tell you stories about "where he's been and what he's done."
Of course, not every man who cheats is cursed. Prince Charles destroyed Diana mentally, and the whole world pitied him because he had an affair with Camilla. But since Camilla became his wife in 2005, there has been no further word about his love life.
But what about adulterers in general? Can you dream of a future with them, or is it self-destructive to trust someone you know has been unfaithful?
There is a special feature in forbidden relationships that makes this question even more essential. Every love story lives on hope for the future, the dream of waking up together, drinking coffee together, traveling and laughing together. But in a secret relationship, this hope becomes oxygen. For lovers who meet with thousands of excuses and lies and separate at midnight so that each can return home, the illusion of a shared future is the only thing that keeps them alive. What they cannot live now, they project into a hypothetical “tomorrow” where forbidden love will be legal. But in reality, this development rarely turns out to be successful. How wise is it to trust a man who you know has been unfaithful, even if this time he was with you? And, equally, how can he trust you, when you know that you have done the same thing?
“Once a traitor, always a traitor,” says an American saying. If we accepted this, we would take all the magic out of secret passion. Because then everything would be just another meaningless adventure, a repetition of a pattern of behavior, not a flame that burns your soul. If that’s the case, why bother with so many lies? Better stay home and watch Netflix.
"Listen to your heart," the song says.
If we view infidelity as a character trait, we remove all emotion. We divide people into two categories: those who cheat and those who are monogamous. The former, we say, will do it again, so it's not worth trusting them. But in doing so, we deny the spontaneity and rebellion of human nature. No one cheats simply out of interest or for logical reasons, at least not usually. Infidelities happen for deeper reasons, related to the self, the relationship, or both.
“When someone cheats,” says renowned psychologist Esther Perel, “the diagnosis is clear: either the relationship is in trouble, or the person themselves is.” The theory goes: if you have everything you need at home, there’s no need to look outside. But in practice, things are much more complicated. Even in a perfect marriage, someone can cheat. Most unfaithful people are not sex maniacs, but normal people, with monogamous beliefs, who clash between their values ??and desires. They may have been faithful for decades, but one day they cross the line, risking everything. Infidelity is betrayal of a partner, but also an expression of absence, longing, loss. At its core lies the search for emotional connection, new experiences, freedom, autonomy, sexual tension, the desire to revive forgotten parts of themselves or to feel alive again.
At the heart of infidelity is the decision to follow what you truly want, rather than what others, family, or society expect. “While lying to your partner, you may be being honest with yourself for the first time,” says Perel. In this sense, when someone chooses to listen to their heart, they may be acting more in tune with themselves than when they try to live by the norm.
If we decide to trust someone who has been unfaithful in the past, we must understand that this person is in touch with their own desires, listens to their feelings, and does not betray them. And if one day they feel that the relationship no longer fulfills them, they may decide to leave. But the same thing can happen to anyone.
When a relationship becomes tiring and partners no longer invest the time and energy to keep it going, it's easy for someone, especially someone who was once unfaithful, to look elsewhere for excitement again. But this can happen to any couple who lets love fade, no matter how "honest" they were before. If, on the other hand, the person has internal wounds that make them feel constantly empty, the problem is deeper than just romantic instability. In that case, behaviors like jealousy, belittling, coldness, or unnecessary conflict can resurface in any relationship.
When we think about the many ways a marriage can be damaged, infidelity is probably not the worst. “Spousal infidelity has many faces: belittling, contempt, neglect, violence. Romantic infidelity is just one of them.”
So, should we reject someone just because they were once “the lover”? Probably not. Because that would mean denying us the opportunity to experience great love, a feeling that fills you with life. On the other hand, with whomever we choose, we never know what will happen. After what happened to my acquaintance with her “ideal husband,” I realized one thing: anything is possible.
