Dealing with difficult emotions, such as anger, sadness, or frustration, is not always easy. In relationships with others, these feelings can often be confused, hidden, or misinterpreted. One of the most common and harmful ways to express them is through passive aggression.
What is passive aggression?
Passive aggression is defined as a form of expressing anger or frustration indirectly, often through behaviors such as sarcasm, indifference, deliberate delay, or silent sabotage. There are no verbal or physical outbursts, but the tension is felt. Often, the passive-aggressive person does not say what they mean and does not do what they say.
For example:
He agrees to help, but never does.
He gives a compliment, but accompanies it with a cynical comment.
He remains silent when asked about something that bothers him, hoping that the other person will understand on their own.
This behavior, although it may seem like a way to avoid conflict, seriously damages communication and building trust in any relationship, whether romantic, family, or professional.
Why does passive aggression happen?
According to psychotherapist Andrea Brandt, people use passive aggression as a defensive strategy to avoid conflict or the emotional fallout that could come from a direct confrontation. Some of the most common reasons for this behavior include:
1. Fear of loss
People may avoid saying what they feel for fear of rejection or losing the relationship. A man may not express jealousy towards his partner, fearing judgment or criticism.
2. Fear of authority
Employees or children, for example, may feel powerless in the face of authority figures and choose silence or passive behavior instead of expressing feelings.
3. Lack of communication skills
People who have been ridiculed, rejected, or punished for their feelings in the past find it difficult to communicate later.
4. The models we follow
Many of us learn this behavior from our family or the environment we grew up in. It's not always intentional, it's simply the way we've learned to "communicate."
5. Shame
Society often does not accept emotions like anger or sadness, especially in women or children. Passive aggression is a way to “let out” these feelings without openly acknowledging them.
Signs that indicate passive-aggressive behavior
If you suspect you may be exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior, these are some common signals:
You avoid conflict even when something deeply bothers you.
You find it difficult to express your feelings in words.
He thinks that others should "understand for themselves" what he feels.
You are being sarcastic or indirectly insulting.
You constantly seek approval, even when you're not being honest with yourself.
Unconsciously sabotages the success of others.
You don't finish what you started to "punish" someone.
You say things differently than you really feel.
How to stop passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive aggression, instead of protecting you, sabotages self-development and builds a wall between you and others. The first step is awareness, stop and ask yourself: What am I really feeling? Why am I not expressing it?
Some concrete steps to manage it:
Reflect on your emotions every day. Use specific words like: frustrated, insecure, disappointed, angry.
Be honest, first with yourself, then with others.
Practice direct communication, even when it's difficult.
Understand that negative emotion is not wrong, and expressing it does not make you bad.
If you feel you can't handle it on your own, seek professional help. A psychologist can help you break down behavioral patterns and replace them with healthier ways.
Passive aggression is a harmful way to deal with emotions, and it often pushes people away rather than bringing them closer. Instead of serving as a defense, it creates isolation and misunderstanding. Learning to deal with emotions openly is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your relationships.
