Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, but often the way we speak becomes the problem, not the lack of words. The infamous phrase "we need to talk" is a classic example that often causes more tension than resolution.
Think about it: how many times have you started such a conversation and ended up further away from your partner? This is because the wrong approach often creates a domino effect of emotional distancing, lack of focus and lack of understanding. But don't worry: there are other ways that work better.
The phrase itself starts the conversation on a negative note. It implies that someone is wrong, raising tensions before the conversation even begins. In most cases, it ends up in a cycle of blame and defense, where neither side feels heard.
For example, if a partner complains:
"You're always on the phone during dinner! Are you not interested in our relationship?” – this expression attacks rather than expresses feelings. The reaction? The other partner defends himself by saying: "I'm busy with work, why are you attacking me for nothing?" The result? Zero solution.
How to improve communication in three steps
To move from tension to understanding, try these three techniques:
1. Don't start with criticism:
Instead of starting with a complaint, try to express a positive thought or empathy. For example, instead of saying, “Why are you always on the phone at dinner?” you could say, “I really value our time together at dinner, and I feel a little disconnected when the phones are on. Can we avoid this habit?”
Why it works: This approach creates an atmosphere of cooperation rather than conflict. Your message is meant as a hookup, not a criticism.
2. Express your feelings without blaming:
Use sentences starting with "I" to express your emotions without attacking your partner. For example, you might say, “I feel overwhelmed when I don't open up about my feelings sooner. Can we have time to discuss before they gather me inside?”
Why it works: By making the conversation about your feelings, you avoid defending your partner and focus on solving it together.
3. Invite solutions, don't impose them:
Instead of pointing out the problem alone, try to propose solutions together. For example, you can say, “I didn't realize how much this bothers you. Maybe we can try the 'no phones at dinner' rule.”
Why it works: A collaborative approach makes both partners feel valued and included in decisions.
Tips for more effective conversations
Choose the right moment:
Avoid difficult conversations when emotions are high or when you are distracted. A quiet and private environment can make a big difference.
Listen carefully:
Try to repeat what you hear, such as: “So you feel disconnected when you're on the phone during dinner. Did I understand correctly?” This simple approach lowers tensions and strengthens the bond.
Look to the future:
Instead of focusing on past mistakes, try to talk about concrete solutions and how you can move forward together.
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