Good communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. But while it sounds simple in theory, in practice it is often much more difficult.
One of the biggest communication problems couples face often begins before any words are spoken. Many people enter a conversation with the goal of convincing their partner, not understanding them. They mentally prepare the arguments they want to make, as if they were preparing for an argument, waiting for their turn to speak while their partner speaks.
This habit, while it may give you a sense of "being right," can actually be seriously damaging to a relationship. According to clinical psychologist Orna Guralnik, known for her participation in the documentary "Couples Therapy," this way of communicating is common, but often harmful.
“There’s a big difference between speaking to convince someone and listening with the intention of understanding,” explains Guralnik. “When you’re just trying to impose your perspective, you’re more likely to face misunderstandings and tension.”
She suggests that couples approach difficult conversations with curiosity and a willingness to learn. Open-ended questions and active listening are key. Couples who adopt this approach are more likely to have stable, honest relationships.
Why is this approach important?
Often people try to avoid the truth because they are afraid of what they might hear, about themselves, their partner, or the relationship.
"A lot of people don't want to face the fact that something is wrong. They feel threatened by the truth," says Guralnik.
Often this stems from difficult childhood experiences that cause them to avoid conflict and complicated emotions.
But avoiding problems doesn't solve them. In fact, honesty and empathy are essential to a lasting relationship. Their lack is one of the most common causes of breakups.
Empathy, the ability to feel and understand the feelings of another, is a strong sign of effective communication.
How to start?
If you tend to focus solely on your argument, try changing your approach. Guralnik advises being present in mind and heart during difficult conversations. Enter the conversation with the intention of learning something about the other person, not winning an argument.
1. Start by sharing your feelings and then ask open-ended questions.
2. Listen without interruption, without judgment, and without rushing to respond.
3. Assess sensitivity and nonverbal cues such as eye contact and body language.
4. Admit when you're wrong. This is not weakness, but emotional maturity.
If you feel like you're stuck in a destructive communication pattern, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Couples therapy can help both partners see themselves and each other in a clearer and more honest way.
