How many times have you heard the phrase "All they want is sexy"?! When I was 17, I was sure that what I heard about it was true. When I did 37, I suspected it might not be so true, and now that I'm 73, I know it's definitely not. Don't misunderstand me, sex can be wonderful at any age, but there is something that is even more important than this, which unfortunately men find difficult to accept, and while women find it difficult to give.
Understanding this has made me smarter in the group of men I was dating. Over the years, sex has been a very frequent and important discussion. Like all the boys we had the feeling of competition and we wanted to be seen as successful, and on the other hand we learned how to be honest with each other.
We talked not only about our sexual successes, but about failures, fears and confusions. When I was young, I learned to want sex was synonymous with being a man. In high school, I remember hearing a girl I liked talking about a guy we both knew. She didn't mind he wanted sex, but complained that he hadn't gone to her like other boys. "He hasn't been much of a man" - it was the clear message. So "real men" want sex and if you don't go looking for this, you're not like that.
Of course it later resulted in me not being like this, but what do we want beyond sex?
We've heard that women want to feel the love to have sex afterwards, and men need sex to feel the warmth. Of course, physical pleasure is great, but it is something even greater that is needed to be satisfied. A safe shoulder.
The men's world is a racing world. At the basic level, men compete among themselves for access to the most desired women. They take the step, and it is the women who decide who they will accept, but to be accepted by her body gives you a sense of peace and home, which goes beyond physical pleasure.
If you remember school parties, when you asked a girl to dance with her... If she accepted, you were in seventh heaven if she refused to feel like hell. The key to getting through this is to let yourself be sensitive enough to refusing to hold and be held by a girl.
Growing up, we lived the world of race and rejection. Now we're looking for that shoulder, where we won't have to remove those we're not to choose. We're looking for someone to see us and want to be with us at all times and situations. For someone to hold us and touch not only the body, but the soul and mind.
"Men just want sex" is just the part we show it the most. What we really want is this safe port, when we can relax, take care and cry.
In other words, we want to feel that care that not all of us felt when they were children. The problem is that accepting these needs makes us feel like boys, like not enough men. Therefore we better choose to openly show sexual desires to look more manly and to get into their bodies, relax, be ourselves and seek love. That's the secret desire we have when we have sex.
The thing I want most of the moments with my wife is when i put my head on her lap and she massages me. That's my safe harbor. I don't need sex to get that kind of pleasure. There I am deeply touched, accepted and loved. I don't need to perform to prove myself something. I just have to let myself be 100% sensitive.
As difficult as it is for men to seek to be held, touched and cared for, so is it for women to give this kind of intimacy. There are three reasons for this, which often come unconsciously.
First, women have their own perceptions about men's manhood. If he doesn't want sex, they start worrying they're not attractive enough. Second, a man who seeks warmth is directly connected to the fear that he is just a stubborn boy and not a man who protects you. And third, women are afraid of men who don't show up manly enough. They know that most violent men are men who feel weak and helpless and that scares them.
It takes a long time and maturity for a man to admit to himself that he needs a warm shoulder to take care of him, as much as he needs courage to let his partner know they may want sex, but more importantly the need for safety and love. This requires a high level of mencracy, as you have to understand that being vulnerable as a child is the most manly thing you can ever do.
And while the woman, I have to go beyond perceptions and be open to a man who comes "naked" in front of her. She must have enough self-love and high self-confidence to admit that yes, he can become his warm shoulder. At the same time, there must be enough strength to protect itself when it panics from being sensitive, when that sensitivity turns to anger, anxiety or depression.
Nuk është e thjeshtë as për burrat dhe as për gratë të marrin përsipër risqe të tilla, por shpërblimi është i madh: një intimitet i rrallë dhe dashuri e thëllë që zgjat përgjithmonë.
Shënim: Ky artikull është shkruar nga Jed Diamond, Ph.D., (themeluesi dhe CEO i MenAlive, një program që i vjen në ndihmë burrave për të jetuar gjatë dhe shëndetshëm) dhe publikuar në Medium.com.
