When people describe the traits they want in a romantic partner, sincerity usually comes at the top of the list. However, even though we want partners who will always tell us the truth, many of us hide things in our relationships, especially about sex life.
So how many people are keeping sexual secrets? What are they hiding? And why are they keeping this information from their partners?
A recent study published in the journal Sexuality & Culture tried to find out. Researchers surveyed 195 students about their sexual secrets. Participants completed a survey of 39 questions about the number and type of sexual secrets they kept, their reasons for hiding this information, and previous experiences when they discovered those secrets.
It turned out that more than a third of participants (36%) said they had at least one sex secret in their current or most recent romantic relationship. However, more than half (55%) said they had revealed a sexual secret to a partner at some point in the past.
Participants reported having secrets for a wide range of reasons; however, the types of secrets people kept varied based on their gender.
For women, the most common things they hid from their partners were :
1) history of sexual victimization
2) infidelity to a partner in the past
3) interest in BDSM
4) the use of pornography
5) enjoying sex toys
The most common things they hid about men included:
1) the use of pornography
2) had previously tried threesome sex
3) infidelity to a partner in the past
Men and women's reasons for keeping sexual secrets also changed. In particular, women were more likely to report keeping secrets because they felt their partners would not understand them; on the contrary, men were more likely to keep secrets because they thought their partner would not accept their behavior.
Other reasons for keeping sexual secrets included fears that their partner would reveal the secret to others, they were ashamed and worried that this would end the relationship.
When secrets were revealed, this most often happened through a face-to-face discussion, followed by phone revelation or text messages. However, some participants reported that their secrets were revealed by others (including friends, family members and ex), that they appeared on social media, or were discovered accidentally.
Most people reported positive experiences when they discovered sexual secrets. They said they felt relieved and that their partner had appreciated them for telling the truth. However, there were also cases of disapproval and regret, which also ended in separation.
It is possible (and likely) that the types of sexual secrets people hold (and their reasons for having them) may change with age, but this is a limitation of the study.
That said, these findings suggest that it is not uncommon for people to keep sexual secrets in their relationships and that there are countless reasons to keep some information backward. However, the fact that people reported more positive than negative experiences by sharing their secrets suggests that there is often benefit and value in being honest about your sexual past.
Burimi: Psychology Today
