I love my boyfriend, but after five years together, feelings are not as intense as before. Meanwhile, I've been hanging behind the musician for 15 years. Although it is now in the forties and is falling, I find it very attractive. My boyfriend knows I like the musician in question, but not so much.
I've read, seen and heard endless interviews of this musician and know for as much as I know about my partner. She is polite, creative, cultured, vegan and loves many animals - in short, all I ask for a man and many things my lover does not have.
I do not believe that I and he will ever come together, but I fantasize constantly as we meet, fall in love and over time make a girl together. I think of her when I masturbate and I'm ashamed to say, even when I'm in bed with my boyfriend. In a strange way, I'm in love with him, even though he does not know that I exist.
My boyfriend and I are ready to buy a home together, but I often find myself dreaming of firing and finding a job in the town where the musician lives, just because it increases the chances of our meeting.
Our relationship has had more trouble and less sex recently. Maybe my fixation serves as a surrogate for my emotional and sexual needs. Since dreams are more intense now, I'm afraid that true sexual life will never be as good as I fantasize.
Written by an anonymous woman for The Guardian
