"Once, you were all I had, smart, comedian, beautiful, talented, hot-headed and stubborn, generous and always keep the side of the weakest. my close one.
Can you blame me for hoping to be together forever? When we were small, we were fingertips, inseparable. Teachers confused our names, even though we did not know each other. Was it really naive for me not to think of another life for us?
When I was 14, I realized I loved you. For years, I told myself all the things that gay teenagers usually say - that's just a stage, a pleasure that will pass through time. It did not pass. When I was 17, I knew you did not feel, and never will, the same thing for me.
At the beginning of the twenties I began to understand that my unspoken and unresponsive feelings were slowly destroying our society and consequently would ruin my life if I let them.
Getting away from you was the hardest thing I ever did. I had no idea how to live without you. Maybe you did not understand why our society was over, maybe it was a common decision. You probably knew that this society could not continue as before.
You may wonder why I never expressed my feelings, but I chose to slowly and painfully leave you. I believe I was ashamed. I believe I was afraid. But above all, I was angry that I was not a better man, stronger than you; that I trusted our society. We have not been talking for five years. I wonder how long will you stop me from dreaming?
Now I live well - I have friends, a job I like, a loved one - I am very happy, but I still want things to go differently, sometimes. I would like to have grown up together, as we planned. But ultimately, none of us could have been what the other one needed. We both deserved better than that.
I hope to be as happy as I am. And above all, I hope not to think about me, ever. "
Written by an anonymous woman for The Guardian.
