Hello! Through this letter I want to share my story with you so that my loved one can also see it because I don't have the courage to send it directly to him. Anonymous please. The letter is this:
From the first day we spoke, I felt like I had time to get to know you. I don't know about you, but I knew we were going to have a story. So, it wouldn't end with that night, or even months. I felt what was going to happen.
When everything deepened, I often thought about what my life would be like if I hadn't known you. But now that you've left me, what will my life be like without you? Well, I don't have an answer, because I never thought of myself as separated from you. I asked myself 'what if this day comes?'. But I didn't answer because I thought it would never come, especially not at this time in my life. But, despite everything, I want to express my gratitude to you for every second we had.
I know, it started by chance, but it was a chance that pulled me out of a deep well of water, into a safe and warm place. My freedom was conditioned and I had nothing but you, but why did I feel complete only with you? They tell me I made a mistake, but why did I never see it as a mistake?
In our 5 and a half years, 3 years were with you every second, but with nothing else but you. And I feel like expressing my gratitude for those years, but why do others look at me like I'm crazy? They tell me you took your freedom and threw it away, but I say you were influenced by your family and we got to where we are now.
I didn't miss anything as much as having you. Even now, I don't miss anything other than you. Others tell me "hate you, because you took away a lot from your life, made you antisocial, made you anxious, lost the opportunities that every young person wants in their life, made you deeply depressed, seriously affected your health", while I express my gratitude to you because you gave me the love that I had never received from anyone.
They tell me "he didn't even love you," just like you told me the last day, that "you never loved me," but I know what we built and how much you loved me. I also know how much you put up with me, so I express my gratitude because in 25 years of life, I lived 3 years with unconditional love.
They tell me "he imposed conditions on you, took everything from you, locked you up within 4 walls", but I tell them "no, he just protected me". He protected me from a cruel world and I am grateful to him. They tell me that you used me, but I have seen the way you looked at me and I know that you loved me very much, but your family hated me.
They tell me that "if he loved you, he wouldn't be influenced by your family", I told them that you loved me, but you were surrounded by evil people who probably manipulated you in harmful ways. They tell me "you tried to take your life, while he was convinced against you". They tell me "he used you, because he always had the family's prohibition, but he chose to make fun of you, to make you believe it for 3 years and then he gave up" and I told them "I never believe what you're telling me". They tell me "why did he do it?". I didn't answer because I want to trust you with everything you've told me.
You told me "I have the moon and our children will be the stars", I said "please, don't promise me if you can't keep your word". You looked me in the eye and I didn't doubt it at all, I know you didn't lie to me, but I don't know what happened in the last 2 years.
We gave each other two stars in the sky and promised each other eternity, but I still don't know what happened in these two years. They tell me that I made a mistake by obeying them about everything, I don't answer them, but I tell myself "I did it, because I wanted a family with you endlessly".
Did I ask for too much? I don't know what you're saying, but I aimed for that dream we built together. Did I annoy you because I loved you more than anything? But, in the beginning, you taught me to love you so much, that I didn't even know how to love myself.
You taught me what it's like to sleep next to the person you love the most in the world, you taught me what it's like to feed on the soul of your soul. I don't regret giving you everything because they're telling me I gave it to the wrong person and I tell them "he was the right one, but I don't know what happened."
They tell me I'm not well, but they don't help me, and that's exactly where I realize I made a mistake by not accepting your help. I'm grateful for the help you wanted to give me, but I didn't appreciate it.
I'm grateful for waking me up at night and asking if I was okay, but I couldn't understand. I'm grateful for every time you saved my life even though it would have been better if I hadn't been saved.
I realized that I don't know how to love or that I don't express it in the right way, but I know that you know how much I loved you. I say "I'm sorry" for not being there for you when you needed it most, but you know the reason why.
They're telling me that by not hating you, I'm showing disrespect to myself. And I can only hate you with the words of the poem from the movie "10 things i hate about you", but in our version:
I hate the way you've been talking to me lately, but not the way you really talk to me.
I hate the way we drove that day, but not the way we drove when we went out together.
I hate how you saw me on the last day, but not how you saw me every day for these years.
I hate your yellow quilt with dolls.
and the way you understand me without speaking.
I hate you so much that it makes me hate myself for hating you.
I hate the way you always understand me by my voice.
I hate it when you lie to me even when I know I understand that you are lying.
I hate it when you make me laugh while I'm crying, but I also hate it when you make me cry so hard, that I forget if I'm alive.
I hate it when you're not around, I hate that I haven't heard your voice in 2 months and that I don't even have the courage to listen to your videos.
I hate that I couldn't hate you for any of the evil you did to me, and I hate the fact even more that I can never hate you.
And today better than ever, I understand this passage from Gabriel García Márquez:
"If I knew that today would be the last time I would see you sleeping, I would hug you tight, tight and pray to God to be the guardian of your soul. If I knew that this would be the last time I would see you walk out the door, I would hug you and give you a kiss and call you back to give you more. If I knew that this would be the last time I would hear your voice, I would record your every word, so I could hear you again, again..."
If I knew these would be the last moments I would see you, I would say "I love you" and illogically assume that you knew it beforehand.
I am grateful for every moment that you were "my bestie" to me, but I am not grateful for the fear I have of you, the fear of looking at our photos even though I miss looking at them every second. I close my eyes if a photo of you comes up unintentionally, I don't want to see you because my soul is destroyed.
I would have liked to be grateful to you for my whole life, for bringing me out of darkness into light in 2019, but I'm only grateful for 3 years, because you left me exactly where you picked me up.
- Written for Anabel by an anonymous woman, for the “Untold Stories” column – the haven where we recount those moments when the heart wants to speak, whether about the good or the difficult, about the deepest feelings that we don't want to keep inside. If you too would like to share your story, write to us at [email protected] .
