We've all experienced that moment: you're standing in front of someone who's lost a loved one and you want with all your heart to say the right thing, but you don't really know what to say. We want to be there for them, to make them feel better, but sometimes the words that come to us don't have the effect we hoped for.
“When we say the wrong thing, we’re often trying to make ourselves feel better about someone else’s pain,” says Rebecca Feinglos, a certified grief support specialist. “But grief is not meant to be comfortable for anyone, not for the person experiencing it, nor for those on the outside watching.”
Phrases to avoid
Studies show that the loss of a loved one is the greatest source of stress a person can experience, ranking first on the list of the most difficult life events. Grief can be messy, painful, and unpredictable, and sometimes, in our attempts to comfort someone, we end up making the situation even more difficult.
Here are some common phrases that experts advise avoiding:
1. “Everything happens for a reason.”
You may be trying to make sense of what happened, but to someone who is grieving, this may seem like you are minimizing their pain. The truth is, not every pain has a beautiful explanation. Not every loss makes sense. To someone who is grieving, no reason seems strong enough to justify the loss of a loved one.
2. “It was God’s will.”
Even if said with good intentions, this phrase can seem invalidating or burdensome to someone who is questioning their faith or struggling to come to terms with loss. “It’s important not to speak based on your personal beliefs about death unless you are certain that the other person shares the same beliefs,” says clinical psychologist Aimee Daramus.
3. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Grief is deeply personal, and everyone's experience is unique. Even if you've lost someone, someone else's pain is different from yours. "Avoid comparisons," says Feinglos.
4. “At least you had time to prepare.”
This phrase is often said after a long illness or a gradual deterioration of a condition, but it implies that the pain should be less. In reality, knowing that loss is coming doesn't necessarily make it any less painful.
5. “He’s in a better place now.”
While this may align with your religious or spiritual beliefs, it may not align with theirs. And even when it does, it often brings no comfort at that moment, because above all, the person simply wants their loved one to still be there, by their side.
6. "Lived a long life."
Even if it is true, that doesn't make the loss any less painful. The pain doesn't lessen just because someone was older.
7. "At least you still have [children/someone else]."
This suggests that one person can replace another and minimizes the significance of the loss.
8. “You have to be strong.”
This adds pressure to the person to "hold on," when perhaps what they need most is to emotionally disintegrate.
9. “You have to move forward.”
Grief has no time limit. Telling someone to “move on” can sound like you’re asking them to forget the person they lost or replace them with something else. People don’t “move on” from loss; they learn to live with it.
10. “Think only of the good memories.”
This phrase attempts to dictate how one should experience grief. Although fond memories can become comforting over time, in the early stages of grief they often make the absence even stronger.
Why it's important not to say the wrong thing
A person who has lost someone is extremely emotionally fragile. Their world has been shaken, and the words they hear can either comfort them or, unintentionally, hurt them even more.
“A person who is grieving a loss doesn’t need to feel like they’re experiencing their pain wrong,” Feinglos says. But that’s exactly what happens when people say things like, “Everything happens for a reason,” “At least you’re not suffering anymore,” or “You have to be strong.”
"When we try to fix, speed up, or wrap pain in beautiful explanations, we are essentially telling someone that their grief should have an expiration date."
When someone goes through a loss, the way people are there for them (or not there for them) lingers in their memory. A careless comment can become another emotional burden they carry, while a few simple, sincere words can bring a lot of warmth.
How to support someone experiencing loss
Just be there. The best thing you can offer someone is not advice or explanations, but your presence. Stay close to them. Listen to them without trying to "fix" the pain.
Be honest. Feinglos suggests phrases like, “This is so hard,” “I’m so sorry that happened,” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” You don’t need perfect words, just sincerity.
Put yourself in their shoes. Think about what might help them feel a little better, not what would comfort you in the same situation.
Don't just speak because you have nothing to say. If you didn't know the person who passed away or don't know what to say, focus on the question: "What can I do for you?"
Respect how they grieve. Some people cry openly. Others withdraw into themselves or keep themselves busy. There is no “right” way to experience loss.
Go with their pace. Some days they'll want to talk about the loss. Some other days they'll want to talk about anything but that.
Offer practical help. Grief can make even the most mundane tasks seem impossible. Concrete help is often worth more than words.
Don't forget difficult dates. Anniversaries, birthdays, or the date of a loss can be extremely painful. A simple message like "I'm thinking of you today" can mean a lot.
Check in occasionally. Support usually fades after the first few days, just as the pain starts to get worse. Continue to check in for weeks or months.
Be patient. Grief has no end. Healing takes time, and what people need most is your understanding and patience. "It's not our job to shoulder the pain," Feinglos says.
There is no perfect way to comfort someone who is grieving, but thinking carefully about the words we use is a very important start. Even if you are not sure what to say, the most important thing is this: you tried and you were there.
Source: VerywellMind
